New Year's Resolutions

For this year of our Lord 2014, I do hereby resolve, vow, declare, and pinkie promise that I will:

Waste untold hours on Facebook posting lighthearted drivel and pithy quips (after searching thesaurus.com for the perfect descriptor and distinguishing modifier)

Nurse a large sweet tea from Chickfila at least once a week (and by once, I mean several times)

Make lists and mark things off lists (if I accomplish a task that is not on a list, I will put it on a list, so I can mark it off the list)

Gripe at the Boy for acting like a child, then sigh and push back the tears because he is growing up so stinking fast, and later grin from ear to ear when I overhear him singing show tunes, like “Look Down” from Les Mis or “Shipoopi” from Music Man

Whine to Chuck from time to time about how much “the children” “need” a Disney vacation, how “they didn’t even get to go in 2013” and “they are growing up so fast” and “college smollege”

Dine at River Nile periodically with my Book Club Peeps and solve the problems of the world, while we each feast on a bowl of roasted red pepper soup and half a Pharaoh (chicken salad on sundried tomato bread with avocado and bean sprouts—with or without the fixings) until someone remembers, “Oh! We need to talk about the book!”

Read, nap, snuggle

Give back tickles

Blabber

Savor a smackeral of chocolate every afternoon at 4:00

Unknowingly suck on my cheeks when I’m fretful

Feel guilty that I haven’t completed my nephew Jeremy’s scrapbook that I promised him for his high school graduation in 2009 (I might not work on it, but I intend to suck on my cheeks over it a time or two—and by a time or two, I mean a bunch)

Procrastinate emptying the dishwasher until sticky cereal bowls overflow the sink and countertops, because putting away clean dishes is the most egregious household chore

Annoy my children by laughing loudly at my own jokes as they roll their eyes and talk among themselves about “how soon is too soon” for the old-folks home

Insist to Chuck that I really don’t want a snack when we stop for a potty break on a road trip, then consume half of whatever he bought for himself

Swing in the swing on the porch at the lake for most of the month of July, because somebody’s got to, by golly

Watch every episode of The Middle multiple times, memorize the funny quotes, and repeat them ad nauseam

Put the phrase ad nauseam in a sentence as often as possible; in other words, use ad nauseam ad nauseam (HAHAHAHAHAHA! Children make knowing glances to each other)

Devour an entire half gallon of Blue Bell’s peppermint ice cream during the month of December all by myself

Oh, and exercise more.